I’ve said many times before, I’d rather be broke in Wyoming then rich in Dallas. If you’ve been following for a while you know how unhealthy I am in the city. It’s not Dallas, it’s just the city. The noise, the traffic, the keeping up, the obsession with collecting stuff, body image issues, the energy. I prefer the energy of mountains and oceans, calm and energizing, quiet and simple.
We made it up to Wyoming on fumes and have been living off of manna ever since. We think that we can’t survive another day, then the sun sets and rises again. I’ve learned that it is in fact possible to live on barely anything. I eat apples and peanut butter for lunch and I made a big pot of soup and we have that for dinner, like every night. Our phones are about to be shut off. Good gracious heavens help me Jesus survive without my Instagrams.
The point is, we can survive. We’re not starving, we have gas money (even though we’re eating skimpy and not driving anywhere unless it’s crucial.) But we’re surviving. What has been really getting me lately is I feel like I’m failing at this whole faith thing.
Everyone knows the story of Job. The man loses everything; family, farm, house, animals and health. But still. He does not doubt God. He never gives up faith that God is good. Lemme tell ya, I have not been so successful. I’m angry. I have no hope. I’m losing confidence in the Lord. “Does He see? Does He even care?” I wake up in the morning and there is a weight on my chest before I even open my eyes. I pour my coffee and sit at the kitchen table and cry my heart out to Him every morning. And I keep getting the same answer. Just wait.
I’m suffering, I’m stressed, just wait. I don’t know how we’re going to buy groceries, just wait. I can’t see an end in sight, just wait. Wait when I’m angry, wait when I’m losing hope, wait when I don’t have the strength to handle this one more day.
Right now I’m reading through 1 Kings and God is doing a number on the prophet Elijah. He just performed this mighty miracle in front of thousands of people, then his life is threatened. Even off of the high of the miracle he loses hope and runs away. He finds himself in a cave on Mt. Sinai. God chooses to reveal Himself to him and a strong wind tears around the mountain, past the cave, ripping rocks in two. But the Lord was not in the wind. Then an earthquake, still no God. Then an all consuming fire, still nothing. Then, comes a gentle whisper.
I feel like this happens to me multiple times a day. My heart is tumultous and fiery, my thoughts are angry and dangerous. With no reprieve. Then I force myself to be still and quiet and I can feel His gentle whisper, “Just wait.”
Wait when you don’t trust me, I am still faithful. Wait when you’re angry, I will not judge you. Wait when you’re stressed, I will give you peace. Oh my child, in the midst of your suffering I am there. In the midst of your seemingly hopeless situation, I have a plan. Don’t give up, I have redeemed you, I have not deserted you, just be patient, just wait.
The sun is hot on our trailer. The windows are open and there is a slight breeze coming through, ruffling the blinds. The girls are happy chewing on a bone. Every now and then it hits me. Yes, we’re struggling, but I have a home and a working truck. My girls are the happiest dogs in the entire world. I adore my husband and he adores me and gives me long long talks. We’re all healthy. I guess in the whole big scheme of things, life and death, suffering and joy, I can wait for one more day.
If you are struggling. If you feel like you can’t make it one more day, know that you are not alone. You are not deserted. There is a great plan by a great God. And even though it might not make sense to you at this moment, there is hope. Search for it in His word (the Psalms are my favorite) search for it in the sunsets, search for it in those who love you. You are allowed to be angry, you’re allowed to question, that does not change who God is.
“The Lord descended in the cloud and stood with him there and proclaimed the name of the Lord, ’The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands..’” Exodus 34:5-7