The sun is drifting lazily through the trees creating a soft but determined glow through the leaves.
Andrew just left to chase the light in Glacier National Park. I’m sitting in my chair outside marking the movement of the sun, now it’s blocked by a tree, now it’s moved into an opening. Thoughts circle in, then they drift away.
I’m reading a book by Donald Miller titled Through Painted Deserts. It’s about a couple of guys who left their comfortable lives, their stale relationships and boring jobs for a three month roadtrip across the country. While reading, I feel less crazy, less alone.
“We are shaped by our experiences. Our perception of joy, fear, pain and beauty are sharpened or dulled by the way we rub against time. My senses have become dull and this trip is an effort to sharpen them.”
Earlier today we drove a road called “Going-to-the-Sun Road.” It lives up to its title as we drove past a huge mountain lake then up and up the side of a cliff that had waterfalls weeping off the side from glaciers high above. The road peaked at Logan Pass where you felt on the same level as high mountain peaks, white burly goats roamed around and snow still spotted the land. We reached the top, parked our car then hiked a bit to Hidden Lake nestled amoung snow capped peaks. The full trail was blocked because grizzlies were known to be in that area. It’s interesting to me how we can live side by side with these apex predators. I wonder how this animal versus man drama will play out in later years. There is an intense debate about bear control. Andrew talks about it all the time. I take in his words then mentally bow out, it seems like something that is way above me, beyond my control.
We came home just in time for the light to start putting on a show. Andrew cracked a beer and I filled my glass of wine and we sat outside and played Rummycube and listened to the forest come alive with evening music. Birds fluttered and sang through the leaves, nearby neighbors lit fires and I watched the smoke drift through the trees shifting and playing with the light.
We each won a hand then I moved inside to cook dinner. Tonight’s menu consisted of lentils, sauteed onions and greek yogurt. It sounds disgusting but it’s actually kinda amazing. Have I mentioned here that I’m now a Vegetarian? I have been for over five months now. I never ate that much meat to begin with, so it wasn’t that hard to cut it out. I find that my brain is much clearer and I feel so dang healthy. I used to always notice my stomach. Rarely extreme pain but pretty much always constant pain. Since I cut meat, I feel great physically. There are so many snooty, mean Vegetarians out there and it is my personal mission to not be one of those.
The light has changed now to a soft yellow glow on the horizon muting the color of the leaves. While Andrew is away I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. Still after all these years, after all his reassurances, my insecurities perk up and make me think that I love and need him more than he does me. I entertain the thoughts for a good ten minutes then talk myself down. He’s a wild man, he needs his alone time. That does not mean that he doesn’t need me. He’s an explorer, that’s what I love about him. I don’t want that to change.
Does that ever happen to you? You get alone with your thoughts and they seem to turn against you? I think about Andrew and circle around his comforting words but I usually finally come back to the One that comforts me the most. He was there long before Andrew was and He’ll be there long after he’s gone. When Andrew fails me (on the rare ocassion) He is there, perfect and strong and unfailing.
The sun has shifted to a gentle blue, Islay is laying at my feet. Thoughts circle around, take up space then drift out. Insecurities fill up my mind, then I wrestle them out. The bird lullaby has reached it’s crescendo and now it’s calming down for the night. Thoughts circle in, then they drift away.