Joy

Well I can’t believe it.  After so much prep, so much anticipation, so much building up, we’re about to get on the road.

I attempted to sleep last night.  I went to bed early, even took a melatonin, took my deep breaths, then laid wide awake staring at the fan on the ceiling.  So many thoughts, so many emotions!  I’m one of those professional emotional processors.  Like, I’m constantly analyzing what I’m feeling, putting words to it, evaluating how it affects me, so on, so on but I am stumped for what’s goin’ on in this head of mine.

We moved out of our home yesterday.  It was the longest I’ve lived in one place since High School.  And it was all with Andrew.  Towards the end we really starting hating the place because we kept comparing it to life on the road.  Coming “home” was a drag.  So I was really surprised to get choked up locking up the place for the last time.  Throughout this whole moving process I’ve been really intrigued at what humans get attached to.  I’ve been attached to tables and chairs, attached to a specific shirt, attached to torn up old books and now I find that I was kinda attached to that run down old home.

We had some great times in that place.  Wonderful dinner parties, lots of grilling out.  I lost a beloved pet and gained another.  Four years married to my best friend.  And now I realized I was facing a definite closing of one door and opening up to a new adventure.

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I’m feeling such large emotions about this transition time and I can’t quite put it into words.

During this whole downsizing process I’ve had to constantly evaluate what is around me and decide is this a need or a want?  Is this necessary to live?  In a trailer there is only so much stuff you can bring, there is truly only room for the necessities.  So every day I’ve been confronted with this question, “Do I really need this?”  We have a storage unit, but we got one of the smallest ones there is.  So again and again, “Is this worth keeping?”

During our garage sale my Dad came over and started looking through our stuff.  He didn’t know the goodbye process I had over and over again with my trinkets.  Colorful boxes and picture frames of family members.  With each piece, I held it, enjoyed it, then let it go.  He didn’t know that process, he just saw a garage sale full of gifts he’s given me.  Haha, perhaps I let go too easily when I know it’s time to pack up and move on.

I don’t know what the road has in store for us.  I have great dreams about the road.  I have lots of ideas, but I have a feeling there will be quite an adjustment period and a handful of surprises waiting for me.  But one thing I have learned during this moving process is to not hold on too tightly, and to be more comfortable with letting go.

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Last night, while staring bright eyed at the ceiling, I kept finding myself circling in my mind.  There have been so many details that I’ve been stressing about during this move and every one of them has worked out.  I mean every one.  I kept trying to find something to stress about, but I couldn’t!  Will we make enough money in our garage sale?  Check.  Will we sell all our furniture in time?  Check.  Will we find the right truck?  Hoss is a beast and can tow up to 11,000 pounds.  Will we have enough gas money to tow up to Wyoming?  Check.  Will we find the right trailer?  I’m so excited about our new home I can hardly stand it.  Will storage work out and be the right size and the right cost and super organized?  Check, check and check.

I could seriously keep going.  Due to the downsizing element this has been the biggest most complicated moves I’ve ever done.  And you know what?  It’s all worked out.  Every detail.  It’s funny.  It’s almost as if my brain is happiest when I can find something to be anxious about…  Well during this process I’ve learned to loosen my grip a wee bit, take deeper breaths and trust that the Lord cares about these details of my life.  The Lord even cares about whether or not Bubba the Cat will adjust to road trip life.  I really believe he does.  Yall, I’ve been praying for my cat.  It goes something like this: “Lord thank you so, so much for caring about the details of my life.  Please prevent Bubba from pooping and throwing up in the car…  You can work miracles, and I trust that you will work one with Bubba Love.”

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Mama Jean is throwing a big family going away party this Saturday.  We’re basically hanging around Dallas for a party, then we hit the road Sunday morning.  Our trailer is parked in Papa and Grandy’s driveway.  It’s nice and close by so we can take our time getting it all moved in and set up.  And it’s been one of my favorite things ever because I get to store up on my time with them before we hit the road.

Mama got all crazy with it and reupholstered our dinette, made me some pillows and curtains.  Every time I see them I’m going to think of her, the sacrifices she’s made for me and the support she’s given.  In fact Andrew and I both have been amazed about the support we’ve had from our family and friends concerning this move.  I know this is a bit out of some people’s boxes, but we’ve had the most encouraging support.  This has made all the difference in our move.

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We were driving around Dallas yesterday, taking things to storage, loading up our trailer and I was in kinda in a haze.  This is it.  One of my lifelong dreams is about to happen.  Every detail has worked out.  We have support.  I’m going to get to sleep at the base of a mountain every night.  Can this really be happening?  Then it hit me.  I know what I’m feeling: joy.  Pure, deep, soul embracing, beyond happiness, joy.

I know that things might go wrong, but I have complete faith this is what the Lord wants for us and He’ll support us: joy.  I’m taking a huge risk and I’m terrified it might not work out, but I trust that the Lord will not leave us hanging: joy.  I’m letting go of extra baggage and taking only what I need: joy.

The next time I write to you it will probably be on the open road.  I can’t wait to share this adventure with you :)

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