Baggage

We’re getting ready for the big move and we’ve been getting rid of stuff.  I was outside in the backyard the other night, walked inside and saw a family of six in my living room gathered around my couch.  There were a bunch of grunts and finagling and just like that, our only couch was out the door to a new home.  We now have our camp chairs in front of the TV.

I don’t know why but that made it super official for me.  We’re getting out of here.  We’re getting rid of our stuff and we’re moving on.  Funny how things can tie you down.  Couches, picture frames of memories, grills, TVs, clothes you never wear, books you never read.

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We’re not just getting a trailer, we plan on getting a tiny trailer.  First of all, we just don’t need that much space and second we’re on a bit of a budget, so we’ll take what we can get.  That being said, there’s only so much stuff you can fit in a tiny trailer.  So I’m going through my house and accessing, “Do I really need this bad enough to take it into the trailer?  Do I want it bad enough to have it take up space in storage?  When was the last time I even took notice of this thing?  When was the last time I wore this?  Will I ever read this book?  Will I ever use this appliance in the kitchen?  Oh my soul I totally forgot about this shoved back here!  Why have I held on to this for so long?…”

As I’ve been roaming through my house accessing my things I couldn’t help but think about my other baggage.  If you think I’m about to make some big life metaphor you are right on my friend.  I can’t help myself.  What else in my life am I allowing to take up space in my brain and heart?  Stuff that is filling up nooks and crannies.  Emotions that loop around and that are taking up space, things that I don’t know how to let go of and are negative?

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As many of you know I was engaged once before.  After I broke up with him I took kinda a massive nosedive.  I threw my heart and soul around, kissed way to many boys who did not deserve my affection and entered into a very dark place.  I’ll be driving along, minding my own business and boom, I’ll get a flash of a past negative experience.  I start to cycle down paths of shame and guilt and loop around on the details.  How long will I let my past define me like that?  How long will I let that baggage control me?  I have been forgiven by the most merciful God almighty.  The end.  I need to pack it up that baggage and send it on its way.

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For the life of me, I hate my body.  I feel like I have good days where I pass a mirror and I’m like, “Ok, I can work with that!”  But most days my eyes go straight to my back fat and saddlebags.  And I’m getting wrinkles on my face.  Just can’t deal!  I spend so much time obsessing over every bite that goes in my mouth it’s absurd.  I found a picture of myself when I was in my 20s.  I had a rockin’ body.  And I hated it then too.  That’s ridiculous.  I finally recognize this is a unhealthy view and I need to fix it.  It hit me  then.  I went through my 20s hating my awesome body, I’m not going to go through my 30s hating my …wonderful… body.  That word was very hard to write ;)  Enough!!  Packing it up and getting it out the door.  Letting that mess go.

I have my whole life felt like I was on the edge of society because of my Bipolar.  I felt like no one could or wanted to understand me.  I felt isolated and confused, too much of a mess, too much drama, just too much.  I felt shame over my thoughts, “Oh if you only knew what I was thinking you would run far, far away!!”  I felt like I was too much for any person to handle so no one would want to deal with being my friend.  Since I’ve opened up about my mental health I’ve had people throw their arms of acceptance around me in ways that are humbling and restorative.  Time to let go of that heavy baggage and move on.

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Traveling light.  Oh what a freeing concept.  To access what is necessary to living and to let go of everything else.  Just let it go.  As usual, this is a day by day process.  Many times I pick back up negative issues.  But I believe each time I pack up and throw out an issue, the easier it is next time and the less likely I’ll be to pick it up again.

What are you holding on to?  What weighs you down in the day to day?  What negative thoughts do you allow to loop around and control you?  What baggage do you need to let go of?

Again, it is a day by day process.  So friends, I raise my glass to you and I say, “Cheers to traveling light!” 

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