One of the things I love about my job as a yoga teacher with private clients is I get to go to people’s homes. There is this beautiful lady that I teach who lives on the end of a cul de sac in a grand white home with columns in the front. It is not imposing or hoity-toity – it is just perfectly…. Southern.
The home is tucked in the corner of the lot surrounded by bright green bushes, flowers everywhere, and vines wrapping the home in warmth. There is a white bench in the corner of her front yard that I can just see myself reading books in. And of course, there is literally a white picket fence surrounding her St. Augustine yard.
As she was getting ready today, I was standing in her living room with beautiful bay windows and floral wallpaper and I have to say I felt a bit out of place. I was wearing my neon pink zebra yoga pants with long raggedy hair and not a pinch of make-up.
Those of you not from the South – part of every lady’s routine before she steps into her living room should be to “fix her hair and at least put on a lil blush and lipstick for heaven’s sake!” Mama’s voice ringing in my ears.
Andrew and I have been traveling quite a bit and I’ve been realizing this more and more – I don’t really know where I fit in. I asked Andrew on this last trip, “What is one of your favorite things about traveling? What do you most like to observe?” He thought that was a pretty simple question and that I would have the same answer – ours were totally different. He loves new landscapes, new trees, vegetation, watching the scenery change, etc.
Although I do love those things, what I really love are the people – different fashion trends from one small town to the next. They can be drastically different just 50 miles apart. The pace of city life verses small towns. What people love to eat from one city to the next. “Oh, this town loooooves their bread!”, “OO! Cheese is big here…”, “They’re still on asparagus?..”, “BEER!”
Some towns as you just drive through you can feel the sadness. Like a heaviness is holding the place down. You see it in the faces waiting at the bus stop. Not a lot of people on the streets. Buildings closed down, wood on the windows. Others have such a bright light, green everywhere.
I love the wandering. And I love coming home. But lately home hasn’t quite been the same. And I realized this standing in one of the most home-iest of homes surrounded by a lifetime of memories staring into the cul de sac while the morning light drifted in.
She has lived in that home for 36 years, raised all her children in it, and now her grandchildren. You could feel the life and love in that space. Her home represents to me the beautiful ideal plan – what I “should” do. What I should want to do.
But I don’t.
It’s silly, it’s kinda throwing me off, because I’m going through this grieving process knowing that it might not, it is probably not my plan.
It’s hard to explain. These feelings are so deep and I’m still processing through it. I’ve known since I was in High School that I don’t want children but I thought I would… you know, grow into it. As the years have past, I’ve met my husband who has the same conviction, I’ve turned 30 and the feelings are still there and growing deeper. What is interesting is lately, at certain random moments I feel myself go through moments of mourning. I’m still firm in my decision, I just am realizing everything that I am giving up.
I always give this disclaimer, “I know we say we don’t want children, but that doesn’t mean God can’t change our minds, bla bla bla.” Haha, I believe that, I truly do, God can change my mind. But, I’m at the point where I’m realizing I’m saying that more for other person than for myself. Because it can be hard for people to swallow that a happily married couple don’t want children.
I don’t know where I fit. I don’t know God’s exact plan for my life. Lately I’ve been reading the Psalms and the theme that has been sticking out to me is, “Wait for the Lord.” I’m not very good at that. I want to know everything right now then I can be real patient.
I want to know how I can be of use and make an impact on others. “Wait for the Lord.”
What am I suppose to do about my business and how can I encourage others? “Wait for the Lord.”
Where do I fit in? I don’t feel at home here. The anxiety just wont go away!
“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; Wait for the Lord!”