I’ve been on the road for two weeks. From literal mountain tops to now sitting in my spot on the couch staring out the window with a whole bunch in my brain that I don’t really know how to filter through. I seriously can’t tell you how long I’ve been staring out the window.
The Texas sunlight is dancing on the trees. The air conditioning just kicked on to counteract the 110 degree heat outside. My cat hasn’t moved since I sat down. Oh. His right ear just moved. Grass being mowed outside.
I ended my two week mountain roadtrip with a girls weekend. I get reallllly nervous around girls. True story. I’ve never had a lot of girlfriends. I’ve always had guy friends. Guys, you can totally ignore for three or four weeks, then call them up and say, “Hey! Let’s grab a beer!” No hard feelings, you hang out, talk about surface stuff, then go on your merry way. Me and my guy friends never talked about our feeeelings, or our past, or difficult things.
With the ladies this weekend, that’s pretty much all we did for three days. Trust me, we laughed a whole bunch too, and played in the water, and laughed, and one of them tooted a whole bunch (not naming names!..), but I’ll tell you what, I was emotionally exhausted afterwards. Like, I needed a day to rest and recuperate from my vacation.
I’m still getting used to the fact that being vulnerable is ok. I’m still learning that if I share my deepest darkest secrets in a safe place, I wont receive judgement or looks of disgust. But I might even have responses of the utmost acceptance and love. This is still something I’m having trouble accepting. I don’t really know how to take this in.
The inner negative speak has been so strong my whole life convincing me “Shut up. They can’t handle what you got. Keep it to yourself. You’re vile. Your thoughts are too nasty. Your past is too dirty. Keep it to yourself.”
Step by step, I’m opening up, fighting the shame, and learning that I don’t have to be alone.
Also, surprise, others are hurting too.
With one of the friends, our relationship has been kinda strained for a while. Cause you know, we’re both human and mess things up. I felt like this weekend was a turning point in our friendship. Forgiveness is a funny beast. For me, it was finally letting go. I didn’t realize how much I was holding on to pain and anger. Sincere apologies have been said so long ago, but I simply wouldn’t accept them. And I was letting that hold me captive.
I’ve opened up to people in the past and it didn’t turn out all peaches and sunshine. But I mean, welcome to the club right? My past is ruling so much of my current day. And quite frankly, I’m getting tired of it.
I needed time, time to allow grace. But truly, in what other ways, in what other relationships, am I allowing negative emotions to hold me captive, keep me stuck?
I heard that a young family member died this weekend. Life is so fragile. So delicate.
Sometimes it smacks you in the face and wakes you up to the personal reality that life is too short. Too short to walk around with bitterness, unresolved anger, judgement.
I strongly believe that we are placed in our personal spheres for a specific purpose. The people that we come into contact with on a day-to-day are not by accident. You are not just a “stay at home mom.” You do not have just an “8 to 5 job.” You don’t just happen to work at that restaurant or yoga studio. Your work is important and it influences very specific, important people.
What are you holding on to from the past that is preventing you from powerfully impacting those around you? Wake up to those, just like you and me, who are struggling, looking for hope.
I’m preachin’ to the choir here, as we say in the south. Why?
Because I might not be on a mountain top, but I’m here in this city surrounded by people. People who love me and who need love, people who are hurting and who are searching for connection. I pray I don’t waste my time sitting on couches.