Hi there friends!! I faced one of my greatest fears, announced my Bipolar to the world (sooo hard to type that sentence) then ran away for two weeks to the other side of the ocean!! Did ya like my timing? I thought it was pretty handy as well ;) Phew. I think that was my subconscious taking over. I didn’t realize it until I was driving around surrounded by endless, green Scottish hills, then out of habit I glanced at my phone and yep, still no reception. Disconnected, cut off from the world, I was in my little safe place. Deep breaths, deep breaths.
I like blogging. I like the processing it requires to take an emotion, filter it through the brain, organize it into thoughts and wrangle it into words that hopefully others can connect to. Every time after I post I feel like a weight has fallen off my shoulders. Or like I’ve had a real nice glass of wine. Anyway, I release it into space, and it’s gone, I move on.
I never expect anything in return from the outpour. This time, after Daring Greatly, it was different. I received texts, emails, comments, phone calls, and people actually… talking about it to my face (note loving sarcasm :)! It was powerful. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I realized a very sad, embarrassing truth. I actually love Facebook and Instagram friends. I choose when is the most convenient to check in. I see the prettiest highlights of their day, I make a quick comment and move on. There are no hurtful words exchanged and rarely awkward moments. If I mess up, I can even edit my posts. They only see the best of me. When I get emotionally overwhelmed, I just set down my phone and walk away.
I chose to become vulnerable on my blog and all of the sudden my Facebook & Instagram friends became real friends. What a concept! The barrier was broken. With people that I have known for years, we now were able to enter into a deeper level of conversation. Others reached out and shared about their struggles. And many, many of you absolutely covered me with encouragement and support. Nothing could have prepared me for the love that I received. To talk about love is great. It’s a cozy warm feeling. I love love. But to bring myself to a place to receive love? On a friend level; to accept compliments, accept grace and acceptance, knowing my “mess” is out there. Pink elephant in room. That’s hard for me. It was hard for me to shut up and simply say, “Thank you.” Just accept the love. Get over my shame. Accept their acceptance. Anyone else?? I’m working on making a difficult mental shift: I’m training my brain to believe, to have faith, that I am NOT an accident. I’m not “messed up.” I’m not something that needs to be “fixed.” I am made with love in the image of my God and Creator and He has great dreams and purpose for my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still will seek out and perfect my coping tools. These have kept me a “functioning member of society,” as my loving, awesome sister says. One day I’ll even write a whole post, or two, about these tools that have kept my brain functioning and family happy. We all have our issues! If you’re bipolar, if you’re depressed, if you’re crazy stressed at work, if you’re barely making it through the stress of school, if you’re an anxious Mama with kiddos hanging all over you: God has great dreams and purpose for your life.
“We all want to know our stories are going somewhere on purpose. We are all built with something deep down in us to live for a story bigger than ourselves – the story of the one who made us. ‘He has… set eternity in the hearts of men.’ (Eccl. 3:11)” – Jennie Allen, Restless